Second Thoughts

pushing pushing pushing
towards an edge I never saw coming
unable to propel myself over it
because the vertigo was too numbing
dust and dirt and stench and filth -
the banes of my existence
I am lowly and lame and human
and I offer you no resistance.

come and push me over
if you want to watch me fall
if it will satisfy some sadistic urge you have -
I live to keep you enthralled.
trust me, I'm okay with this
I'll be sick if I look down
so I'm waiting, blindfolded and helpless,
too cowardly to recognize the ground.

pushing pushing pushing
against my constant respiration
trying hard to keep my heart from beating:
repeating repeating repeating.
come on, lose patience with me!
you're all that's keeping me around.
come on, try to stop feeling for me -
why defend this lack of determination?

you know I want to let go -
why are you giving me a few more seconds?
I don't want to think about this!
let's drop it - push me, push me, push me.
don't make me turn my back to you
don't make me look away
don't make me fall for you again
when I'm coming to a solemn end.

my esteem runs on empty
and my hope is lacking fuel;
all I need to do is cease operating
crush the circuits in my head
it's obvious that I'm giving up
it's obvious you need someone else
and if you won't help me do this, then
I'll do it to myself.

I'll cast off my blindfold
and, like Houdini, break my chains.
I'll take a running jump and feel
the cliff crumble away.
hey, look! I've got some bravery -
as briefly as it may last.
you can't tear your eyes from me
and yet I'm falling fast.

pushing pushing pushing
against gravity's pull
repeating, repeating, repeating
the blow that cracks my skull;
pushing pushing pushing
one last breath to exhale -
repeating repeating repeating
the silence before the hell.

© Jess Zelhart, 2003. Thou shalt not steal.

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